Into The Desert

It’s time to enter the desert. 

Recently it has come to my attention that my life was off balance.  I found such fulfillment in my ministry, in helping others find Catholicism, or deepen their faith, that I neglected other areas of my life.  Instead of pouring into my kids, I was pouring into people I’d only had a relationship with through screens.  Instead of having dinner ready every night, I would throw something together because my head was too full of other peoples’ lives. 

Something was very off, and the devil was laughing.  

There’s that saying about “too much of a good thing” and that’s what I had come up against.  While I knew I needed to get my meal plan and my kids’ education figured out, I was constantly concerned about what my next video was about, what I “needed” to share with others.  I didn’t have enough brain power to do it all, so I let my vocation as wife and mother slip to the side, because “God was using me.”

After I came back from my little week-long vacation, I noticed a troubling pattern.  On the days I filmed, or when editing, I barely paid attention to my kids.  I was so consumed with the task at hand that I didn’t see the task at hand.  I found myself being short with my kids, using an abrasive tone, and letting them watch way too much television so that I could do what I really believed was a calling from God.  All the while I had a sinking feeling that the ones I really needed to help were downstairs bickering.  

After much prayer, and Confession, I realized that something had to give. My priorities had once again flip-flopped.  Over the last two and a half years, I found that battle of priorities one I often had to fight.  This time it was going to take more than a week to fix.  As painful as it was, I knew I had to step away from YouTube.  

I asked God to make me little.  

Being an “influencer”, especially in the Catholic arena, is very alluring.  Every day I have at least one person tell me their life is better because they have found my channel: they have gone back to Confession, they’re returning home to the Faith, they are converting, their prayer life is deeper, they feel more able to homeschool their child . . . . The positive results go on and on.  And that’s just it: they’re results.  

Juxtapose that with motherhood: daily tasks are tedious and the same. You may get thanked but it’s not that thoughtful, life-changing thank you that comes from the outside world.  Any effort you make towards guiding these little souls towards Heaven and God Almighty are small, baby steps that don’t elicit huge conversion moments every day. Motherhood is little.  It’s tiring.  And to do it well takes dying to self more often than I would like.  

On top of this realization about motherhood, I pondered how I started my channel close to when I was really picking up speed in my discovery of Catholicism on a deep level.  Everything was new!  It was jarring, being a Cradle Catholic, to discover I only knew a handful of dogma and barely any doctrine.  I had so much energy to share with you, but I never went into the desert. I never learned just to learn. I would read something and immediately want to share, which is my natural personality, but when it comes to the spiritual life, there’s a reason why St Paul went away before he began to preach.  

So, here’s my future game plan for my brand, or whatever you call what I’m doing here:

1. I must get homeschool planned out. The entire year.  This will take time but it will give me so much peace to have the entire year planned.  
2. I must get my meal planning done, once and for all.  I found a great podcast that laid out a really solid meal planning binder.  I have tweaked it a bit but it’s getting built slowly and I’m already seeing the fruit from knowing that that major stressor is off my shoulders each day.
3. I must prepare for Germany.  The Army doesn’t drop orders until a month out but there are lots of things I can do now to prepare, to get ahead.    

Fall is coming.  Ballet resumes in two weeks. Schooling will start in earnest.  Holy days are to be prepared for.  I love this time of year but without preparation it can get overwhelming easily.

Once these tasks are complete (or the Holy Spirit insists on it), I will resume YouTube videos.  In the meantime, I plan on making short IG Stories as little topics come up, I will answer all emails sent my way, I check comments on YouTube, and most of all, I will be here, on this blog.  

I find writing very therapeutic, and quite natural.  Not that this is a great masterpiece, but the words flow well enough that it doesn’t take much time to share my thoughts, or the latest book I’m reading, with you here.  I know reading blogs isn’t for everyone, but this is where God is placing me right now.  It’s humbling and that’s always a good thing.  

I pray you’ll stick with me.   I won’t be gone forever.  I’m hoping 1-2 months gets me where I need to be. I’m working diligently to accomplish the goals I have for myself.  

Again, feel free to email me and reach out.  I’m always happy to hear from you.  

Pax Christi,

Laura